November 1, 2013

Last night was an important night: It was Halloween, and I had a party to go to. Everyone was there. Everyone. I felt like I was on top of the world. The best club in town, the best music, the best party I’ve ever been to. Add the fact I was in a good mood which is pretty rare. I couldn’t wish for anything more.

Nothing comes easily with my parents. I literally had to beg them to let me go. My mother is very overprotective of me and it’s driving me crazy. I’m no longer five. She never lets me stay out late. She punishes me when I say a bad word, blaming my friends when I actually pick up most of the slurs and bad words from her and dad. I think it’s ridiculous how they’re not aware of that. My dad is a man full of anger. He makes a big deal out of everything. He has an awful temper, and screams at everyone for no reason, just because he’s in the mood for it. When I was young, he used to verbally, and sometimes even physically abuse me. I grew up anxious by his sudden violent outbursts, and hate his guts for it. He’s different now, but nothing will ever make me forget how badly he used to treat me. Most of my friends don’t go through the shit I go through. My parents are to blame when it comes to my anxiety, depression and antisocial behavior. I’m lucky I’m surrounded by sane, good friends at school. They take off a huge load of that pressure. Proving to people I’m not a loner isn’t an easy task. I’ve never really been in touch with reality or my outgoing side.

After a long conversation with mom, she finally allowed me to go to the party. It was held at Sternenlicht, a club located downtown. This was my only opportunity to show all my school friends how awesome I can be. I went to Hilda’s house where Claudia and Simon, Hilda’s boyfriend, as well as me, were supposed to meet. I was wearing my vampire costume, Hilda was a flight attendant, Claudia was a burlesque dancer, and Simon dressed up as a cop.

We left the house at 9 P.M. and picked up Lucy and Bernhard, then made our way to the club. The place was crowded and the music was so loud. Our reserved table was located next to the DJ. Hilda and Simon went to talk to their friend, Raphael, while I sat at the table. I was stressing out, so I picked up a pack of cigarettes left on the table and lit one up. Bernhard and Lucy came up to me and tried to loosen me up before dragging me to the dance floor. Lucy and I seemed like the perfect match for the night since she was dressed up as a zombie bride and I, a vampire. But that didn’t mean much to me. I kept glancing left and right because I heard Stephen was supposed to be there. I couldn’t find him. Hilda and Simon then joined us with drinks, and Stephen showed up right after behind them. He was with a girl. They immediately aimed for the dance floor and started dancing provocatively right in front of us which made me really jealous. I didn’t want my night ruined though, so I kept on drinking until I became drunk. Then I started feeling nauseous so I rushed to the restroom and drank a lot of water from the sink to prevent dehydration. When I went back out, I looked at Stephen and realized I didn’t need him to brighten up my night. I have enough friends that appreciate and love me. As I moved to the music, it felt as the whole room was slowing down. It was like entering another dimension, like I was witnessing a transcendence. Everything around me seemed to shift, and everyone became frozen. Everyone except Lucy. She slowly turned away from Bernhard and made eye contact with me. She walked towards me, pushed her body against mine, grabbed my face and kissed me.

I grew up imagining and anticipating the day I’d finally get to experience what it’s like to be kissed. I hoped for it to be special and unique. I hoped for it to awaken new feelings in me. And most importantly, I hoped it would happen spontaneously and when I least expected it. The kiss me and Lucy shared was unexpected, but it wasn’t special. It felt like she took something from me; like I was robbed of the good, first kiss I longed for and dreamed about. I still can’t help thinking about it, but I have to accept that it happened. Moments like these are automatically imprinted in our life history. No matter how far my life goes, I’ll always remember it: My very first kiss.

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