Move on; that’s always the advice people give after a bad experience or a breakup. It’s an expression that’s easy to say, but when it comes down to actually doing it, it’s never that easy.
After ending things with Eric, it was only logical for me to disconnect, eject and proceed; go on with my life. But I couldn’t. Lingering is a horrid state to be in, but sometimes you just can’t help it. My mind was ready to move on, but my heart wasn’t. And in this case, my heart was ruling everything. The main reason that was keeping me from moving on was the fact that I was hurt, and he wasn’t. He was perfectly fine. And I can endlessly blame him for not being confrontational, for leaving me hanging like an idiot. But how is that going to help me exactly? There are many different ways to handle a situation, but at the end of the day, we can only deal with the one presented to us by the other person. Eric’s approach to breaking things off with me was silent disengagement. He absolutely refused to have a conversation with me that night. He didn’t want to resolve the issue or dispute about it. Passive-aggressiveness was his way of dealing with things, and it was impossible for me to do anything about it. He wasn’t rude or offensive, so I couldn’t get angry. He simply didn’t say anything that I could respond to. He didn’t give me a valid reason for his sudden change of behavior. He was simply backing out because he just felt like it, and I should consider myself lucky for bumping into him that night or else I wouldn’t have heard anything from him at all. It wasn’t the closure I was hoping for, but it was definitely better than nothing.
Warren’s sudden departure and Eric ghosting me both me put me in a dark place as suicidal thoughts started to emerge. But I survived that phase. One day you just wake up and you realize that people like Eric are worthless. Why should I be the one to die while he lives a happy life fucking up other people’s lives? He’s the asshole, not me.
I strongly want to believe that someone else might come along. Someone who’ll love me and appreciate me. Genuine people do exist; they’re just rare. And regardless of the person that I am, I’m finally on the road to acceptance. I shouldn’t deny myself the love I deserve. I’m worthy of love. One that’s different from the dangerous trainwreck of an attraction me and Matt had. Matt didn’t love me for me; he loved the idea of me. He was attracted to the mess that I was and thought he could use that to his advantage. I want to be with someone who’s safe to be around. I want to believe there’s someone out there who will one day find me and fall in love with me and prove all this waiting actually meant something.