January 9, 2016

Sexual education has always been intriguing to me, especially since living in a conservative household with parents so far behind the curve gave me the impression that sex shouldn’t be discussed or talked about.

I grew up not knowing such thing as sex existed until I overheard one of the boys in middle school describe how babies were made. Even then I couldn’t believe it. Genitals, as my mother used to say, were private areas that only we were allowed to see and touch. As I became older, I became physically shy and socially isolated, refusing to use the public shower after gym class. I’d go through a whole school day in sweaty clothes, occasionally smelling bad which my dad eventually noticed as we were all having lunch one day. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable showering around other boys and he called that a cowardly move that negatively affected my manliness. My mom jumped right into the conversation and blamed him for not being a present and impactful father figure. Although she had a point, when it comes down to family issues, it’s always someone else’s fault; either mom puts the blame on dad or the other way around when they’re actually both to blame for my social awkwardness. They’ve kept me away from the outside world long enough for me to lose any sense of reality, preventing me from being my own individual. Then one day, they decided it was time for me to go out into the world and act like an adult, which I obviously couldn’t do. I dreaded approaching and talking to people or making friends. Being romantically involved with anyone felt unnatural to me because it required physical intimacy, so I refused to do it. When everyone around me started dating and engaging in sexual activity, I felt too awkward and left out for not doing the same. The world scared me, but I had to go through it anyway.

Moving miles away from home, I felt like I’ve thrown myself outside my family nest and into the unknown. Everything I’ve taught myself since the moment I stepped foot inside that plane and flew here, I take full credit for. I’m nothing like my parents. I don’t think I resemble either of them in any way. I believe I’m an old soul. I’ve been told that countless times, most recently from Bastien. I see and understand things other people can’t. However, I’m fully aware that I’m far from being complete, that’s why I’m always aiming for growth. I don’t want to go through life being treated like an ignorant; a person people can take advantage of.

First thing I’m trying to improve right now is my escort service. In order to become a prostitute of the highest standards, I have to teach myself some new skills. Being new to the sex industry, I learned that most of that comes from experience, but I also see no harm in educating myself through books. I went to the Chicago Public Library and picked up a few books, the most notable one being the Kama Sutra that dated back to the eighteenth century. Going through each book, I came to realize that they weren’t exclusively sex manuals but more as guides to love and desire; what triggers them and what sustains them. I saw things differently then. I recounted my encounter with Arlene and saw how escort automatically came with an emotional side. It’s not always the case, but when it is, I had to live up to the client’s expectations and provide whatever it is that they long for. Arlene wanted emotional fulfillment, and as I’m getting to know Bastien more and more, I think he does too. Thing is: how do you give someone affection without sending the wrong message? I’m not looking for anything beyond a professional relationship. Being someone who’s never been romantically involved with anyone, it’s sometimes hard for me to see the cues and signs that someone is genuinely interested in me. I know nothing about how the heart works. I’ve never felt love. Now that I think about the brief and tender moment me and Bastien shared earlier this morning when he sat down on the bed and caressed my face, I can’t help but see it as a romantic gesture; a sign that he might be falling for me, and I can’t have that. I’d have to approach him regarding the subject if things go further. However, I don’t know how to do that without hurting him with my harsh bluntness.

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