Depression is like a poison. It takes us over and holds on to us without letting go. At first, we think of it as a phase; one that’ll pass. So you hold on. It’s just a bad day, not a bad life. But then the days turn into weeks, the weeks into months, and before you know it, the months turn into years. You realize then that it’s not going to go away. That you’ve been a prisoner all along, and that the hope of getting out of it is gone.
My experience with antidepressants isn’t a good one. It subdued my ability to feel. Being someone who processes very few emotions, the medication made it worse by depriving me from feeling anything at all. It’s like going through a confusing, hazy fog. I couldn’t react to anything. This phenomenon they call “emotional blunting” can be quite distressing since it decreases any kind of interest. The first thing I noticed was my loss of interest in sexual pleasure which almost drove me insane. The dysfunction it created made it hard for me to do my job since I had no desire in sexual stimulation. Things then went from bad to worse when it caused an emotional disinhibition and abnormal thoughts, driving me to recklessly commit atrocious crimes.
I self-diagnosed myself with depression years ago thinking it was the cause of my malfunction although I knew it wasn’t. It was only a way for me to blame my fucked up brain on something. And I thought I was doing myself some good by treating myself with medication, but it only ended up inflicting more harm to my state of mind.