I always knew I’d lead a lonely life. We think of many things in life as solid, but no matter how firm we may think they are, they’re just not. Life is made of chapters, and each one has its set of people, events, challenges and so on. Nothing stays the same. Most things are transitory. That’s what makes it hard to settle down. It’s almost impossible to do that with all the constant changes. The deepest friendships of our youth are affected by the decisions we make with our lives. Even with the making off small decisions, the effect can still be big. And we often don’t notice how our life is taking a great turn until it does. The change isn’t always noticeable. Sometimes we’re not aware of it until it actually happens, and that’s when we realize we’re never really standing on solid ground.
Now that both Matt and Warren are gone, I really don’t see myself being with anyone anymore. I never really saw myself as a potential relationship person anyway. Growing up, I’ve made a promise to myself that I would live the life of a hermit, going through life alone, rarely trusting anyone and never wearing my heart on my sleeve. Still, it happened. And I hate that it did. Because it turned me into a desperate and needy human being. Someone I didn’t like nor recognized.
Shaping your life around love can be risky. The feeling itself is dangerous enough. When the love is strong we become so vulnerable it’s incredibly hard for us to think straight. The high pleasure it causes is hardwired into our genes. More trouble than it’s worth because once it’s lost, you feel like dying. A broken heart is like a permanent scar that wouldn’t go away. No matter how much we try to repress and deny it, losing love is damaging to the soul. We become bitter and we blame ourselves for allowing someone to enter our life and mess it up. There’s no way to fumble out of it so easily and the pain can sometimes be too great that surviving it can seem almost impossible.