There’s a very thin line between love and cruelty, revenge and redemption.
What’s the worst feeling in the world? For most people, it’s the end of a love relationship. A termination so painful it could leave both parties heartbroken for a long time. But there’s always the possibility of finding love again, one that’s greater and more special than the one before. For that to happen, though, one has to be capable and willing to let go and move on.
Matthew has been given the death penalty. That’s the decision made by the judge. I didn’t want to acknowledge it before because doing so would’ve confirmed its truth. I’m completely fazed by the idea of him being put on death row. Imagine being trapped in a jail cell knowing the countdown to your death is getting closer with every passing second.
There’s something raw and admirable about people who embrace their dark side and make no apologizes for their actions instead of blaming things on others, making up lame excuses or even worse, going around and obliviously inflicting random damage. I’ve also come to notice that when I love too much, I end up hating; sometimes even with great passion. Naturally, I’m supposed to harbor deep feelings of hatred towards Matt than towards Warren, but it’s the other way around. Although he kept a big part of his life a secret, Matt did nothing but show his true colors to me; he was never ashamed of who he was. On the other hand, Warren sometimes says and does things that are supposed to mean one thing but end up meaning something entirely different it’s become hard for me to know his true intentions which makes him immature in my view. He rarely acts like an adult when it comes to interpersonal relationship. For me, this kind of behavior doesn’t differ from lying or deceiving. I find it despicable.
There’s two ways people can hurt you; knowingly or unknowingly. When you first think about it, you’d think a person intentionally hurting you is bad and it is, but it also allows you to immediately cut the person out of your life. On the other hand, you have the kind of people who accidentally hurt you; even though forgiving them is easier, those are most likely to hurt you over and over again; always unintentionally. When you look at it that way, you quickly realize how toxic and unhealthy keeping someone from the latter can be.
Warren’s reason for definitively breaking things off with Cooper wasn’t because he realized he didn’t love him, but because he realized he wasn’t safe. He’s young and good looking, comes from a wealthy family, went to the most prestigious schools and graduated with a medical degree. Unlike Warren, he’s a big extrovert who enjoys circuit parties and traveling whenever his schedule permits. Warren said their relationship was forced, that they were incompatible. I’m sure he knew that from the very beginning but decided to ignore it. Being with a guy like Cooper would’ve opened doors for him and exposed him to a better lifestyle filled with excitement; fun parties, pretty boys and plenty of hot sex. Deep inside, though, he’s a little bit like me; he doesn’t think he deserves to be happy and so he decided he wanted out before he got hurt. When he was with me, he seemed way more relaxed, but that’s not necessarily because he loved and trusted me, it’s because unlike Cooper, I was safe. I didn’t really care when he eventually chose to be with me, I was just glad I had him, but now I can’t help but feel used, so after careful consideration I’ve decided it was better to quit instead of dragging something we both know won’t work. It would’ve made more sense for me to have ended things the day I saw him kissing Cooper, but I was too overwhelmed that morning I couldn’t bring myself to close the chapter once and for all. I was filled with mixed and extreme emotions which made it hard for me to make a decision. Instead, I put myself in limbo to allow myself to process things and make up my mind.
Since the night I’ve met Warren, I’ve been fantasizing about the moment I’d walk into his home and become part of it. But reality differed. I dreaded every step I made walking inside of it. We probably would’ve made a great couple and led a good and fulfilling life together, but I’d have to be somebody else to do it. Warren doesn’t know the real me. If he did, he wouldn’t be able to handle it. If he knew of my previous relationship with Matt, the man who almost shot him to death, he’d lose his mind. I don’t know why I keep convincing myself I’m fully capable of making a normal healthy relationship work. I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to be with him. I’ll be living a double life manipulating some innocent man and tricking him into thinking I’m the person he thinks I am. That’s not the only issue. This isn’t just about me, it’s about him as well. He hasn’t been faithful to me to even seriously consider building a future with him. He’s been comforting me with lie after lie about needing to settle and commit to one person. He made me feel like I could trust him, like he was honest. I guess we’re both to blame, that’s why I’ve decided to end things once and for all. This whole romantic whirlwind we found ourselves in is a massive clue our relationship was doomed from the start. With every minute spent at his place, I knew it was coming; the break-up. Every time he made a move on me, I’d cringe knowing that his whole life will turn upside down in a few minutes. I kept waiting for a moment of silence, or for him to shut down his extremely positive enthusiasm so I could spill out the words, but every time I thought I was ready, he’d do something sweet, like wrap his arms around me, kiss me, or suggest going on a trip sometime in the near future. I didn’t know how to break it out to him. He was making so hard, so I just said it.
“I think it’s better if we stop seeing each other,” I calmly said.
He paused and looked at me, not taking me seriously. He asked me what I meant and I repeated, my tone firm and assertive. “It’s over. This is over.”
“Why? Where is this coming from?”
I turned away from him and started putting my clothes back on.
“Felix, we need to talk about this”, he begged.
“There’s nothing left to say.”
Holding things against someone and not allowing them to prove they’ve changed might seem unfair, but sometimes you can’t forget or ignore the past. Warren threw me on the back-burner, put me through hell emotionally and decided he wanted to be with me just because I provided him with a sense of security, all of which prove I’m better off without him. Then, there’s the fact I’m unreliable, and staying with him would’ve been a total waste of both of our time. I didn’t want to hurt him, so letting him go was the right thing to do. I mean, who am I kidding? I’m not made to be in a normal relationship.
In the moment of our separation, I didn’t say anything more. I could’ve but I didn’t. He stayed quiet because he was totally blindsided he didn’t know what to say. However, the fact he didn’t also proved he was unsure about our future together. I got closer to him and gave him a warm, tight embrace, and I could feel his resistance to cry as he buried his breathing in my hair. His grip got tighter, and the comfort it provided made me weak and helpless; I felt like I was trapped. For a second, I was about to reconsider, but I knew the tender moment we were sharing was clouding my judgement. We stood still and in total silence for what seemed like forever. I could almost hear his heart racing while mine slowed down. We eventually let go of one another and locked eyes. There was no kiss. There was no goodbye. Just a separation. Me leaving him. I walked to the door without looking back, opened it and left.