I can hardly remember the last time I’ve trusted someone completely. It’s because I’ve noticed that even the best of humans sometimes act like they’re trustworthy then use exploitation and betrayal to get what they want. We’re all guilty of it.
One of the downfalls of the Marlowe shooting was Warren’s inability to recover and see life through the same pair of eyes. He seems buffered and battered. He’s become difficult and extremely unstable. He’s stuck, but this isn’t the problem. The problem is that he doesn’t want out of his trauma. His sense of isolation has increased to the point everything around him seems far and muffled; it’s like he’s not even there. He’s no longer grounded. A few days ago, I asked him about Cooper and he said he couldn’t see him anymore due to the circumstances; because Cooper doesn’t understand pain the way he and I does. Cooper is so type A; a what you don’t see, you don’t know kind of guy. His biggest misfortune was struggling to come out to his parents back when he was a teenager which doesn’t compare to what people like us had to go through to survive through this life. Then again, he can’t be blamed for his positive upbringing. Realistically, though, he’s no good being anywhere close to Warren. His presence is toxic in its own way. Because Warren doesn’t need to be cheered up, and Cooper can’t be there for him and pretend he understands what he’s going through. Somehow, this tragedy has brought them apart, and us, closer. But not for long.
I woke up after a good night’s sleep feeling exceptionally well. I hopped in my jogging clothes and ventured out for a nice run by the lake. The sun was shining and there was a light breeze making everything feel so nice and fresh. I stopped by the coffee shop and grabbed two coffees, one for me and one for Warren and walked over to his apartment building to surprise him.
As I walked up the sidewalk, I saw them. Although they were only exchanging words, I knew it was coming; a brutal kiss that translated into a sharp stab to my heart. It was so real I almost felt it. Cooper walked away and I could see Warren smiling, until he turned and laid his eyes on me. I was standing on the other side of the street, paralyzed and pissed off. I looked at him and his smile slowly faded. He knew he was in trouble. He rushed up to me and I turned away, dumping the tray of coffee into the nearest garbage can as I walked away. He ran behind me and urged me to stop and talk to him so he could explain what happened. I let him drag me inside the lobby so he could explain himself. He said they went out for drinks the night before (which he obviously shouldn’t be doing), got drunk and had sex. Then, he looked me in the eye, grabbed my face and repeatedly told me he loved me, something he’s never said to me before — at least not so bluntly; it almost sounded too genuine. Obviously, I didn’t say it back.
“I tell you that I love you, and not one word?
“How can you even expect me to say it back after what you did?”
“It was just sex. It didn’t mean anything.”
“Yet you were kissing him goodbye. It sure looked like something was going on there.”
“He initiated it.”
“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have allowed any of it to happen.”
“I was drunk, and he was there.”
“That’s how it always goes.”
“Look, I’m not trying to justify doing it. I know I shouldn’t have. But it happened.”“Fine. I just don’t understand why you’re so hung up on the fact I didn’t say it back. This is obviously not the best time to do so. I mean, you literally just told me that you cheated on me. How do you think that makes me feel?”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“I can’t help but hate you right now.”
“This is a lot to take in. I know that. I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying that.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t want you to say anything.”
“Why are you making such a big deal out of a quick thrill? You know you’re the one I want.”
“Yeah, but I also know that I’ll never be enough for you if you’re looking for fulfillment somewhere else. And what makes it worse is that it was him and not some other random guy.”
“You need to understand that things like that happen.”
“Stop making excuses. Don’t think you can get away with what you did by acting like you’re a victim because of your previous failed relationships. It’s not going to work. So get your shit together, Warren, and make up your mind about what this is.”
“Do you think I like being where I am? Do you think I don’t want to have a clear mind and settle down?”
“I don’t know. What I know is that I can’t keep on going like this. It’s emotionally draining for this relationship to be in this state of uncertainty. I want to be close to you, and I want to be able to trust you but you’re making it incredibly hard. You’re making it incredibly hard, Warren, that I just want to quit.”
“Fine. Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.”
“It’s simple. It’s either me — or him.”
Is trust a belief or an emotion? I think it’s a bit of both. The lack of trust makes it hard for us to take action in our world. Without it, nothing really ever happens because we don’t allow ourselves to take even the simplest of actions. We’re always on the edge, trying to read people’s body language and guess what’s going on in their mind. We question their intentions every single time they make a decision. In a relationship, it’s the worst. It’s the worst because you’re in it. I don’t know if I can ever look at Warren the same again. He’s way better than most of the guys I’ve met in my life, but he’s still not perfect. I’m not either, but at least I’m trying. We’re alike in a lot of ways. Obsessive, guarded, and a little bit insecure. I can’t really get a sense of who he really is nor can he, and it makes me scared. Because there’s a lot of things that he doesn’t know about me. Things I wouldn’t dare to even think about revealing. And I know he’s hiding things too. So where does that put us? How can people be together and trust themselves and each other if they’re not revealing their true and authentic selves to the fullest? Isn’t a relationship based on trust and honesty? If both are non-existent than what are we, and where do we go from here?
Felix Eberstark 