This past week has been both stressful and fulfilling. It started off with me feeling an urgent need for stimulation.
Throughout the years, I’ve noticed that shoplifting had become a faulty way for me to cope with unwanted thoughts and feelings of anxiety. It’s an effective way to relieve the stress I’d be feeling, so I had to do it. I walked down Michigan Avenue and randomly entered a sunglass store. It was quite busy. I walked around trying to look like a legit customer flirtatiously asking the dumbest questions. I then glanced around and picked up a pair of expensive sunglasses missing an alarm tag. It’s like they were sitting there waiting to be stolen. I looked up to see a black camera dome, straight above my head. I thought it was better to just return them and not take the risk of walking out with them, but then the thought that no one really watches through those things occurred to me, so I reached over again, swiped them off the shelf, turned and slowly walked out. Once I was out, I felt pretty good about myself until I heard a professional sounding voice rushing after me. While I was too busy checking out which sunglasses I was going to shoplift, I had left my phone on one of the shelves and so the female employee ran out of the store to give it back to me. I smiled to her awkwardly, my heart pumping so hard I could almost hear it. I thanked her and immediately kept on going.
On my way back to my apartment I received another text from Eric asking if I would give him a chance to explain his sudden disappearance. I called Leo to let him know and he freaked out as soon as I spelled out his name. He asked to meet me so I can tell him more; part of me wanted to share my frustration regarding the issue, so we scheduled to meet the day after. I never, ever would’ve thought Eric would come back to me, almost begging me for a second chance. I met Leo on Monday, and I was immediately turned off by his attitude towards my situation. He made it all seem like it was about him; “Why would he text you back?”, “He broke up with me via text”, “I did absolutely nothing to upset him”. I was blown off by the fact a forty-year old man was speaking to me like a child, again. His jealousy resurfaced and his abrupt aloofness almost caused me to walk out on our meeting because of his pathetic behavior.
I could tell Leo was hung up on Eric since the first day we met, but I was too which didn’t seem weird to me. Eric left an impact on both of us. Thing is: Leo’s low self-esteem is what mainly drives him to do the things he does, which is cling to any kind of tragic situation and dwell on it like there’s no tomorrow. As nice and sweet as he is, he’s too weak for my taste. All this raunchy, strong exterior with nothing inside. Leo can break in a split second and of course, it’ll take him months if not years to recover even remotely. And that isn’t something I personally condone nor look up to.
The last thing Leo said to me was: “Felix, don’t text him back. I would be very disappointed if you do. He only did it so he can take whatever’s left of you and then drop you for good.”
I didn’t need him to tell me that. Then, he insisted even more on that adding that in case I take the decision to do so, he’d terminate our friendship which I found to be quite extreme. I had absolutely no intention in getting back with Eric, but it was definitely not up to him whether or not I would take him back. I do what the fuck I want. I knew exactly what Eric wanted, and even if he wanted to try again and make things work, it was too late; I rarely give second chances.
As I unlocked my apartment door and stepped in, I paused for a second and thought about what should be done about these two erratic, immature and stupid men. Then a tremendous amount of rage fell over me, causing me to feel an intense amount of utter hatred for both of them, especially for Leo. I instantaneously came up with the decision to block Leo’s phone number and delete all of our correspondences. I just couldn’t stand being associated with him in any way anymore. When I walked inside my bedroom and saw the sheets we had sex on, I immediately ripped them off, nauseated I actually let someone like him do me. I put the sheets in a plastic bag and threw it in the garbage.
As for Eric, I had a thing planned out for him. I agreed to see him, but that was mainly despite of Leo’s childish jealousy towards my previous relationship with him. I wasn’t going to let this issue go unsolved. I took the phone out of my pocket and sent Eric a very direct message then hopped in the shower. By the time I was done, a message was sent by him in reply of mine. In it, he mentions how glad he was that I agreed to see him again, stating that he had sorted things out and that he was looking forward to seeing me and starting over. Little did he know that my intentions were delusive.
Men like Eric can get away with anything because of their beauty, high-paid jobs and charming personalities. They constantly flip back and forth between showing interest and a lack thereof, because it gives them a sense of power, and most importantly, because they’re self-absorbed and know that no matter what happens, they’re in total control of where everything leads. And I’m sure that most of the men he had dated in the past were weak and fell for his bag of tricks. I didn’t, though. That’s because I’ve spent my whole life carefully studying human behavior, and so I know better than to let someone like him have a negative effect on me. After what I’ve been through with Matt, I wasn’t going to let anyone toy with my emotions and gain control over me. I’m so over that at this point. Eric needed to be put in his place.
It was a Friday evening. I had sent Eric a message asking him to meet me at a local coffee shop in Lake View at 7:30 P.M. He was there on time. I was too. However, I didn’t come into the coffee shop to meet up with him like we had planned. I was there to flake on him and watch him wait for me like a fool. I wanted to make him feel the disappointment all the other men who loved him felt when he threw them away like garbage. I wanted to open his eyes and enlighten him about the serious responsibilities of being involved with somebody. I wanted him to experience the nightmare of no second chances. As he enthusiastically walked into the coffee shop and sat down at one of the tables by the window, I was inside the bookshop located across the street, standing in front of a huge window overlooking the coffee shop. Holding a random book in hand, I kept on throwing glances his way, watching him slowly lose patience and feel the pain he had caused me. He looked at his phone multiple times, and at some point I think he texted me. However, I had blocked his number so I wouldn’t have received it anyway. After 30 to 45 minutes, he started to fall apart and finally asked for the check and left. When he made it outside, he hovered around for a little bit and looked both ways as if he was still hoping I’d show up. Then he carried on and walked away.
Felix Eberstark 