After spending the day in Evanston with Anders, I received a call from Leo touching base about the night while on our drive back. Our conversation was going in circles and I could tell there was something on his mind — something he wasn’t telling me. After a brief phatic talk, he finally said what he actually wanted to say which clearly proved to be the main reason for his call. He said an acquaintance of his was visiting for the weekend and that he’d be busy entertaining him during our hangout. I didn’t think much of it initially; I actually appreciated he was being upfront and genuine instead of leaving me hanging and treating me like the third wheel. However, there was an underlying message he eventually clearly verbalized. Although there’s definitely an attraction going on between us, I don’t think I’m really interested in taking things further, and the fact he was treating me as if I was desperately throwing myself at him, scared I might make things awkward between him and his friend who he clearly wanted to impress and fuck, really bothered me. However, I avoided expressing my annoyance and told him I understood his concern.
Before meeting Eyal, Leo, his best friend, Vince and I stopped by a burger place and had an early birthday dinner to celebrate Leo’s forty-second birthday. Foxes immediately followed. When Eyal arrived, I made sure to stay out of the way and hung out with Vince instead. As the night got more and more intense, Eyal dragged Leo into a secluded corner and took out what looked like capsules clearly containing some sort of drug. Eyal took a long sniff before discreetly handing the drug to Leo. As far as I knew, Leo hated drugs. It’s funny, almost ridiculous how far someone would go to impress a person they’re into. By the end of the night, Eyal was completely intoxicated and high. When we left, he was completely out of it and started counting the number of pharmacies along our commute. His IQ immediately proved to be below average the more and more he talked, but Leo kept a straight face and displayed a fake smile throughout the whole drive, sucking up to him simply because he was eager to get into his pants. In the back, Vince and I kept exchanging looks; we had to restrain ourselves from making snarky comments. I wasn’t even in the mood for that. I wanted out of that car. When they dropped me off, I went straight to bed.
The following morning, Leo called me and told me how awkward his night turned out to be. Apparently, the guy’s interest in him immediately subsided as soon as they got into bed. He slept over only because Eyal felt bad about leading him on. In the morning, though, his attitude totally changed and he wasn’t shy to scroll down through countless profiles on the hookup app while in bed next to Leo who found the act offensive and inexcusable. He even mentioned he had an instant crush on me.
I can’t believe I’m getting screwed over again. I have no doubt that Leo is a good guy, but I can’t help but be turned off by his poor life choices. He’s old enough to know what’s good for him and what’s bad. I want to help him get back on his feet again, but he doesn’t seem to really want to. Apparently he likes to dwell on his pain and enjoys surrounding himself with awful people as long as they’re pretty.
“You fuck them then you toss them,” he once said to me.
His low sense of self makes him think that he doesn’t deserve good things. And I can’t be with someone like that; someone so insecure. Someone so pathetic and worthless. I know what it feels like to be in his shoes, but I’ve decided to fight my way out of my self-destructive behavior. At some point, you have to rise above and give yourself some respect. I won’t abandon Leo because he needs me. He doesn’t really have a lot of people he can trust; only me and Vince. That said, I’m taking a step back and see how things play out.