Ryan no longer existing feels like a monstrous desertion. I don’t feel like I can easily replace him nor feel like I should. Moving here and meeting new people was very uplifting, but it’s going to take a while before any of them become a true part of my life.
Moving forward and starting fresh is an exciting thing, but there’s often a feeling of dread that comes along with it because we usually tend to hold on to what we know. People say change is good and it is, but it always comes with a downside. It’s a long process that moves so slowly you can’t help but feel depressed and empty inside. Sometimes I feel like a crippling eighty-year-old man so tired with life. My mood shifts instantaneously. I should be happy now that I’ve found someone who likes and appreciates me. But paranoia still gets the best of me. When Leo doesn’t text me often, fear takes over and I can’t think about anything else. I find myself stuck in front of my phone, hoping and wishing he’d text or call just so I can be reassured that we’re okay. At this point in my life I just can’t afford to lose another genuine and kind person because god knows I know good human beings are so goddamn hard to find. Leo is both a great friend that I can confide in and a kind and caring lover any guy would hope to have.
When you grow up either being rejected or constantly abandoned, your psyche can’t help but be wired in a specific way. I find it very hard to trust anybody, and once I get too close to someone, I become so obsessively anxious and scared they might end up leaving me because I’m used to people leaving all the time. However, the feeling of loss is one I can’t seem to ever be able to get used to. I often experience extreme thoughts of Leo. So far, he hasn’t given me any reason not to trust him, but I really can’t help it. Just like relationships, friendships are hard work. Denying that would be foolish. And for Leo, I would put the effort and the work because he’s worth it. I need to figure out how to control my deeply obsessive and extreme thoughts before I make a wrong step that could cause a lot of damage. I need to learn how to approach our friendship on its own terms instead of letting the past dictate my future with him.