Some men are addicted to the idea of falling in love. It’s the excitement and the spark that comes with it that hooks us up and makes us feel so euphoric. It’s the high of meeting a stranger who would hopefully sweep us off our feet. The whole process is something a lot of us long and live for because simply put, it makes us feel good. It’s like being on cloud nine.
Dating goes through various stages: The getting-to-know-you stage is the one that we love the most. Once passed this stage, everything starts going downhill; the flirting stops, the longing to see one another stops, the constant texting stops. It’s like things are being put on hold, but they’re actually not. Whatever it is that existed is done. It’s over. It’s moving on to the next big thing.
I can’t say I immediately knew that would be the case with Warren even though he did come on too strong. I gave it the benefit of the doubt and convinced myself that we had something real; that I was given the opportunity to be with someone normal and get it right for once. That was enough for me to go far with my expectations and just like always, I was in a for a huge disappointment. Letting yourself fall hard for someone is never a good idea unless you’re sure about their intentions. Even then, you might be wrong.
A week after our first date, Warren asked to see me again. I was at the beach with Anders and some of his friends when he texted me; he asked if he could join us. I didn’t hesitate to say “yes.” I was actually relieved when I saw his text. I took a quick dive in the water and as I was heading back to where we were stationed, he was just getting there; he had brought with him a long lay flat beach chair. I introduced him to everyone and we caught up. I wanted to ask him why he went radio-silent on me, but I didn’t want to come off as needy. After settling down, he took out his portable speaker and played some alternative rock music before walking up to me from behind and putting his soft hands around my waist. I turned around and he kissed me. I went back into the water with him, and when we got to a private spot, he pulled my body to his chest. Our bodies locked, and his lips kept meeting mine over and over again throughout our swim.
When Anders and the rest left, we stayed for a little bit longer. Wet and sandy, he laid on his chair and asked me to lay back on his chest, his arm resting over my torso. As I ran my fingers up and down his bicep, I noticed a nicotine patch on the inner part of it. I asked him about it, and he said he was trying to stop smoking. He then went on to reveal to me he used to be an alcoholic and a semi-drug addict for five years before joining A.A. After finishing up rehab, he decided to fully commit to turning his life around for the better. I admired his motivation in getting his life back on track. He seems to be doing everything right. Me? Not completely. In retrospect, I haven’t gotten rid of my bad habits, so how could I be worthy of a relationship with someone who walks on the right path while I only manage to walk on the edges of it, occasionally drifting one way or another, the only upside being the fact I’m able to not lose myself completely?
Regardless of all the thoughts going through my head, the curious part of me suddenly emerged, making me question him on what we were and where I stood for him. That immediately put him in an uncomfortable position, and his behavior as well as his body language started to change. The last thing I wanted was to ruin the moment or make him feel like he was being coerced into making a decision or define what we were. All I wanted to know was the reason behind the distance he’s created between us after the first date when he was the one who relentlessly pursued me and showed an endless amount of interest.
“I can’t define what we are right now. I don’t think I know what I want. What I know is that I’m in no place to be emotionally available with anyone at the moment.”
He also confirmed that coming on too strong was an unintentional pattern for him, a thing he keeps on doing without realizing, and admitted that he always tends to pull away when things start heading in an exclusive direction. Moments of silence followed our brief conversation, and although I wasn’t satisfied with his answer in the slightest, I was starting to get anxious I could no longer speak. When we made it back to his place, he tried to make a move on me which I rejected. He asked me if I was feeling okay, and I had to sit down before gathering the courage to spell it out for him.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be having sex anymore.”
Being the kind and understanding person he is, he said he fully understood and respected my decision. Then, a message popped up on his phone. Warren was offered a job he desperately wanted in San Diego, and he had to be there by the end of the week. An overwhelming feeling fell down on both of us as he delivered the news to me, and he started freaking out. He had to plan his move and relocate within the upcoming days. For some reason, I’m relieved he’s leaving. It makes things way easier for us. At least trying to make things work between is totally out of our control now. As I put my clothes back on, I felt an instant retrogression taking place, and by the time I got to his doorway and turned to say goodbye, everything had already come undone.
Hopefully next time, I won’t be dealing with a romance junkie.
Felix Eberstark 