March 16, 2025

It took Hugo only a couple of days for his health to take an awful turn and his condition to drastically decline with every passing hour leading to his death. He spent his last days laying on my bed, motionless. His appetite was gone, and he wouldn’t respond to anything I’d say to him. Today marks his three year death anniversary, and I think it’s time I finally try to find a new dog I can make my companion. I’ve totally lost the desire to be with another human being even though I’m too young to stop trying. But I’ve had enough heartbreaks and so I’ve totally given up and lost all hope in the human race. I’ve put myself in enough unnerving and stressful situations that all I want right now is to get better. My current loss of interest in dating isn’t just the devastating result of me and Matt’s toxic relationship, it actually started way before.

Back in college, during the cold and windy winter months, I’d take the bus to campus, and after a while of doing so I came to realize that I was always the last person people sat next to, especially boys. They never sat next to me. I usually sit with my earphones on staring out the window, trying as much as possible to keep to myself, but when I finally came to this realization, I felt really self-conscious about it. Did they get the feeling I was a creep? A pathetic loser? Did I look scary? Weird? How could they tell? I was a decent-looking, clean, well-dressed gentleman. Maybe it was my blank face, or the fact I looked pissed off most of the time. There’s no way for me to know for sure. It was awkward regardless. Imagine a packed bus with only one empty seat; the one next to mine. It’s like, no one wanted anything to do with me. With time I managed not to think much of it. As far as I know, I maintained a good hygiene and acted normal at all times. I started to get used to it eventually and I enjoyed having the room of both seats. People always say public transportation is a good way to meet people and socialize, but I think that’s rare if not totally untrue. The only people who socialized on the bus were college kids who were already friends. At age 23, I found myself as lonely as I was when I was back home. I couldn’t attract any human being to me, and I never managed to know why. I knew though, that I wouldn’t date girls. And that’s for good reason. From my experience, girls are materialistic, needy, unreliable and hard to please. Simply put, they’re a pain in the ass. This might not be the case for the majority but it is in mine. I was raised by a a controlling and domineering mother with emotional issues and a bad temper. Communicating with her was extremely painful and our relationship went downhill when I became a rebellious teenager. My sister grew up to be even worse. She had my mother’s flaws but also added her own; arrogance and pride. But those two were not the ones who made women disgraceful to me. It was Marnie.

Marnie and I met in middle school. She was in my class and I can remember the way she looked at me very precisely. When we became friends, she made me her business. She was constantly hovering around me. At first, I loved all the attention. I was a teenager with raging hormones. She was a pretty redhead with green eyes, and I often fantasized about her. Soon, we started writing each other cheesy and immature love letters, and a month after that, we became a couple. I can’t say I was in love with her, though. I was too young to know what love meant. I just loved the idea of being loved by a beautiful person, and since boys were meant to end up with girls, I went along with it. It was a good way for me to prove to my father, who constantly made fun of my shy personality that I was man enough to get the girl. Then one day, totally out of the blue, I arrive at school in the morning to this horrible scene that I’ll never forget. Marnie was kissing one of the most despicable boys, someone I’ve considered my enemy, right out in the open. It took me a couple of minutes to process what I had just seen, and I approached her and asked her about it. She didn’t respond. She just smiled, and I remember her smile very vividly; it was evil. That day, I spent recess crying my eyes out in the bathroom stall.

I wasn’t born a person with half a conscious. As far as I know, I was loving, caring and tremendously appreciative of the friends I had. Thing is: the feeling wasn’t mutual. People never really appreciated me. And so began the journey of self-discovery and self-development where I I found myself studying people very carefully; analyzing, understanding and predicting human behavior became like a full-time job. Nothing escaped my attention, and I took each approach, even from acquaintances very seriously. I wasn’t going to allow anyone to trick me, pick on me, or take advantage of me in any way. Then I met Hilda, and she changed everything. She was something else. And I fell in love with her in a very unique way. But it was too late for me to consider dating girls, and so my attraction switched to boys. I can’t remember the day that happened. All I know is that they seemed easier to get along with. That’s when Stephen moved to our school and instantaneously became the popular guy. I remember watching him play soccer every single day of the week while drooling over his masculine physique. If there was one thing I’ve wanted back at the time, was to gain his friendship if not more. Then Hilda and Stephen got together, ultimately breaking all my hopes and desires of loving another human being. Being someone’s special person. Someone’s soulmate. All of that was thrown out of the window. The lack of human contact turned me into someone I never thought I would grow up to be. Humans were around me yet so far away. I couldn’t connect with anyone, and the world seemed like a game. People exploited each other, couples cheated on each other, parents poorly raised their children and treated them like objects they would either use or throw away. Suddenly, the horribleness of the human race was all I could see.

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