Faces are always imbued with significance. The eyes specifically, have always been considered a window to our souls. Knowing Matt though, I’ve come to disagree with that theory. Even with soft and beautiful facial features like his, I couldn’t and still can’t figure out the construction of his mind just by looking at his face. As far as I know now, it’s only betraying my emotions towards him. His physiology is so misleading that it’s sometimes hard for me to process whether his actions are valid or unsound. Then again, being physically attractive allows people to get away with anything. We’re just so focused on the gorgeous face, the great smile, the smoldering eyes, the sexy body; our minds totally shut off and focus only on that. Human beings have the tendency to unconsciously assign favorable traits to attractive individuals. It’s even worse when you’re in love with one. All the rules are thrown out of the window and in my case, not having a strict moral code makes things even harder since I’ve always lacked the strong ethical mindset other people have; having that would’ve probably served me as a guidance all these years; it would’ve allowed me to make better life choices. It’s funny how I know that but choose not to do anything about it.
Matthew is a sadist who’s been manipulating me from the moment we met. He’s in control and I’m allowing him to work me however he pleases. I’m pretty sure he’s cognizant of my high- sense of awareness, and he seems to enjoy the fact I’m fully sentient of his disturbing underlying behaviors that vary from one situation to another. So why am I still with him? Maybe I’m just curious to see where things are going. I’m so blindly infatuated with him that I’m willing to make myself believe the situation I’m in isn’t that bad; I don’t know. Then again, I’ve never wanted to be with someone who was going to hold me when I slept at night. I’ve never wanted to wake up to breakfast and roses, and romantic gestures. I’ve never wanted to be with someone who was going to introduce me to his parents, or ask me to marry him. Those things aren’t for me; a perfect, healthy relationship is not something I can do. That said, I genuinely know Matt is the guy I want to be with right now. Even when he hurts me, degrades me and takes full control over me; I like it. It turns me on. We’re both unstable individuals, and the fact we can both acknowledge that part of ourselves strengthens our connection; that’s what makes us work. We’re not afraid to show our dark side; we’re practically on the same boat. And he’s dreamy; handsome, powerful, sexually and emotionally stimulating. Life is never boring with him. He’s constantly living on the edge, taking advantage of every opportunity. We’re partners in crime.
Honestly speaking, no one else would accept me for who I truly am other than him. He’s the only person who truly knows me. He’s smart because he knows that whatever makes us the way we are can’t be changed and shouldn’t be repressed. The type of love we share is strange and not everyone can understand it. If someone who knows Matt finds out we’re together, they’d probably ask me to steer away from him, run for the hills even. They’d tell me that I deserve better. Those people clearly don’t know me. I know who I am and what I’m capable of. Realistically, this is exactly what I deserve.
Felix Eberstark 