September 17, 2024

Gathering the courage to kick Matt out of my apartment felt almost impossible; I probably wouldn’t have been able to hadn’t he pushed my buttons by doing something as atrocious as reading my diary; I value my privacy as much as I value my own life. I was absolutely petrified by the sight of him reading about my childhood, my feelings and my crimes. However, the violation of my privacy that almost broke me into pieces eased as soon as he said we were equals. I didn’t really understand what he meant by saying that at first, not until after I’ve asserted my authority by asking him to leave which quite honestly, proved to be a challenge. I wasn’t really threatened by him knowing about my crimes because he knew I had it in me to commit such acts; it was proven to him years ago when he defended me in court through the trials against Anita Peterson. My negative reaction had more to do with the fact he’s gotten a lot of information about my life when I was clueless about his; in a a way, I felt like it allowed him to have the upper hand since he knew a lot about me, and that scared me. What’s currently scaring me more though, is that I have a feeling he hasn’t left Iowa yet although he said he’d be here for only a week for work-related reasons which I’m suspecting is a lie; he was never here for work but strictly to stalk me; I’m sure of it.

Ever since that day, I’ve been imagining seeing him everywhere I went, experiencing some sort of hypnopompic hallucinations as I went through my daily routine as if I had been cursed with something demoniacal; I’d see Matt standing still either on the other side of a street or feel him walking behind me; it’s like he’s everywhere, constantly watching my every move. On the other hand, I can also sense a fascination with him growing and accelerating the more and more I thought about him him and felt him around me. I picture him relentlessly chasing me, his chiefly- oriented attitude pushing him to get what he wants; me. It’s like he wants to frighten me, but also own me. He wants to isolate me from the world by playing tricks on me and messing with my brain. It’s hard to remain sane and composed when you’re haunted by someone’s presence, afraid of running into them and getting stuck. My sense of emotional control is becoming a wreck, and I’m on the verge of losing my mind as I’m starting to realize I’m enamored by him.

Earlier today, I stopped by the coffee shop for a drink. The place was packed as it was raining outside and a lot of people were inside taking shelter. I stood in line to order and since it was moving slow, I let myself space out, my eyes making a 360-degree view of the outside through the glass covered walls. I saw a guy in black; he was tall and well-built. I fixated on him as he got closer and closer; although he remained distant from me, I saw him as Matt and felt myself shaking as my view zoned in on him coming towards me. I kept looking, the sound of roasting coffee accelerating and getting louder – roaring in my ears; I blinked repetitively and tried to focus on him, but before I knew it, the man I had mistaken to be him ended up being a complete stranger casually crossing the street and walking on the opposite sidewalk and disappearing out of view. I weirdly glared at the barista when it was my turn to order. It almost felt as if I was losing my credibility as a normal person. My subconscious has somehow infused a neediness and longing for him.

I walked back home, troubled, and constantly looking over my shoulder. I entered my building and retreated up the elevator. I withdrew the keys out of my pocket as I reached my apartment door only to find it unlocked. I proceeded in walking in, wary,

cautious, scared of what my eyes would see once I’m inside.

“How the hell did you come in?”, I asked suspiciously.

“I have my ways”, he answered.

“What do you want?”

“I want you, and I know you want me too”, he affirmingly said.

“I can’t.”

“Why?

“Because I’m bad news, Matthew. You should know that by now.”, I lashed out.

“I’m bad news too. We’re more alike than you think.”

Hearing that shook me as it was clearly an indication Matt had criminal-tendencies too; he didn’t only defend outlaws, he was one of them. How serious his crimes were, that I didn’t know. There I was standing in front of the man who desired me even more than I desired him; me, whose imperfections could fill a never-ending database of cons. All I could think about was how life had someone for everyone; my person was him. I took a deep breath, ran and kissed him; the kisses were aggressive, passionate and raw. I took his clothes off and he took mine. Then I turned around so he could fuck me again, but only this time he wanted to be the one to get fucked.

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