July 25, 2014

I thought I’d never see Kristofer again, but he showed up at the house today and threw a couple of stones at my bedroom window to catch my attention. I opened it, and he asked me if I wanted to hang out; I accepted. We drove around town for an hour before heading to a gay bar located in a very low-key area in the middle of nowhere. I was surprised he didn’t bring up the incident of the fire which kind of confirmed he appreciated what I did; he was just scared of us getting caught.

The warmth hit me the second I stepped foot inside the bar. I felt someone brush their hand against my back as me and him walked around, but when I turned, there was no one. We moved further and further into the crowd, and it looked like the place was shrinking and turning darker as we entered the back area where bodies gathered around each other, blending into one another then scattering. The place had a lively and permissive atmosphere. It looked like one of those small town bars where a regular crowd frequently gathered, only this one was filled exclusively with young gay men who came here because the place allowed them to feel out their unambiguous sexuality and be comfortable in their own skin. It was my first introduction to the gay world.

A noxious smell of cigarettes spread vastly, making my eyes burn and tears to spring as the smoke roamed closer and around my face. After greeting a few of his friends and ordering our drinks, we sat down at a table. I was glad I could enjoy my night out. For once, I didn’t have to worry about my mom calling or anyone seeing us. Kris took a out a small, shiny silver box out of his pocket I immediately identified as a pill case. He opened it, and took out two dark blue, round pills. Ecstasy, I guessed. I asked him what they were for and he said their purpose was to enhance the senses and alter sexual experience. Kris obviously had high expectations for our night together, one that he hoped would lead to sex. Since my attraction toward him remained, I knew I wanted him to be my first. I thought, “If girls didn’t do the trick, I was sure boys would, and I didn’t mind.”

The effect the pill gave me is difficult to describe. It felt as if time was slowing down, and my brain has been altered. The whole room seemed to brighten up in a blinding glare of intense, white light. I entered what seemed to be an infinite psychedelic realm, a surreal world filled with magic, hope, and endless possibilities. I steadily delved deeper and deeper into it, completely losing touch with reality. I could see things I’ve never seen, smell things I’ve never smelt. It’s like my senses have been boosted. I was taken and hypnotized by the beautiful, glowing colors, relishing every single moment of a newer, more glorious sexual awakening.

I rested my head against Kris’ chest, pressed hard into it, his sweat soaking into the side of my face. I ran my fingers underneath his t-shirt and started kissing him, the tip of my tongue progressively entering his mouth. He grabbed my hand and dragged me outside. I looked up at the sky and the shining stars seemed as if they were vibrating. The moon overhead looked huge and the array of light it reflected lit up the whole area. For a second I thought it was daytime. I steered him in the dark toward a strangler fig located conveniently in a dimly lit area. We kissed again, my breath speeding up as both of us got completely naked. I’ve never been with a guy before, and the whole thing felt weird and a little bit wrong. But it also felt good that I completely let go, allowing nature to run its course. For me, gender didn’t matter. Sex did. I’ve been repressing my carnal desires for so long, and it was time for me to set them free.

I ripped his shirt off, revealing his tight and lean body. It looked even better than I had imagined. I threw myself at him again and started kissing him, my lips slowly moving from his mouth to his shoulders, chest and biceps. He unclasped my belt and dropped my pants in one single motion before going down on me. He licked the underline of my shaft, both hands firmly grabbing my ass and pushing it forward, allowing his whole mouth to wrap softly around my cock. We reached down and lied on the ground, our bodies perfectly aligned against each other.

Since I’ve never been fucked, my ass was tight. Kris slipped one finger inside me before penetrating me. It hurt, but I tried to relax. I tried not to imagine what was going on down there and instead focused my eyesight upwards and scanned my surroundings. Before I could even tell, he was completely filling my insides, and it felt great. His thrusts were slow and steady. I ran my hands all over his chest and abs, pulling him deeper as I got more and more into it. When I became too comfortable, I pushed him backwards to ride him, my primal desires taking full control of me. It was very quiet outside that all I could hear were our moans, sighs and groans. Minutes later, we both came, and time seemed to stop. I felt the ultimate sexual pleasure I’ve been longing for for so long, but it was gone as soon as I felt it. The psychedelic trip was over right then. I fell sideways, my back hitting the soil covered by the strangler fig’s roots. Looking upside, I could see the tree’s thick and leathery leaves above me, its fulsome contours shining through the moonlight. My eyes shifted to Kris’, and although I was grateful for a safe and highly satisfying first sexual experience, all I wanted to do was get up and run.

Kris dropped me off at my grandparents’ in the early morning. Before letting me out of the car, he opened the car compartment and reached out for a small, black pouch. He opened it, took out a small gemstone and gave it to me. He said it was a pyrite. I thanked him and we exchanged our goodbyes. He was hoping to see me again soon, but I knew that was unlikely to happen since I’m planning my move to the States. I didn’t tell him that. We kissed, and then he left. I didn’t get back inside the house until after I carefully watched his truck slowly drift away under the beautiful sunrise. I used that as a way for me to get some closure for the night my virginity was taken. Inside my bedroom, I spent the remainder of my morning hours in a total state of stillness and contemplation. There was an undeniable air of sadness about my last night in Stuttgart.

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