May 26, 2014

I just got back home after prom. It’s almost midnight. Half my school, including my friends, made their way to Das Bad after the ceremony for drinks. I didn’t because I had no date, and although that wasn’t a requirement, I really wasn’t in the mood to see Hilda and Stephen making out in front of me.

Being left out of things tends to happen to me more often than I’d like. I can hardly keep up with people and adapt to social situations. I’m always over-thinking things and projecting my insecurities onto my entourage. I can’t seem to be able to loosen up and enjoy any kind of social event it’s depressing. Like prom. Prom is a big deal. It’s closure to a huge part of my life. I guess some of us are not natural optimists. I don’t know how to be comfortable in my own skin. I don’t know how to appreciate beautiful moments. All I do is find the negative and dwell on it. I’m a ruiner. I’m my own worst enemy.

Back at the Rheingold Hotel where the Abiball took place, I felt like I didn’t belong. Nothing happened, it was just my mood. It suddenly switched and anxiety took over. I walked out of the room to the elevator and Hilda rushed to see where I was going. It’s funny how throughout everything we’ve been through, when it comes down to our friendship, we’re both capable of reading each other’s emotions without expressing them. It’s an unusual connection that we have although we don’t really get along most of the time. Hilda knew I was running away. It’s what I do. I get frustrated and I leave. This time, she managed to catch me. I told her I wasn’t feeling well and was getting tired and she wouldn’t have it. She wanted me to spend a few more minutes, and just for once, I didn’t want to disappoint her. We went back into the room, and she dragged me to the dance floor where a downbeat song was playing. She looked at me like she hadn’t in a long time. It was real. For the remaining of the song, we had our heads leaning on each other’s shoulders. When the song was over, we looked at each other for a brief moment before I left for good. When I got inside the elevator, our eyes locked until the doors closed. I don’t know whether to love or hate her. We keep on hurting each other, but somehow we always find our way back to the start; when our friendship didn’t hurt.

Taking the bus home made me feel so alone. I had flashes of my friends having fun and going on with their lives, and I imagined myself being stuck in my family home forever. I have no idea where things are headed. I’m a graduate. An adult. How and when did that happen? I wish I could make it stop.

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