January 3, 2014

It’s been a while since I’ve written, mainly because I haven’t been doing much. Everyday is exactly the same.

I spent the day contemplating my neighborhood. The street I live in is usually quiet, but not as quiet as it was today. Freiburg makes me sad. I like it, but I don’t feel like I belong in it. It used to give me a wonderful, nostalgic feeling. But that feeling no longer exists. I remember the old summer days when I had friends in the area, when life was way more simple. Now I’m all messed up. I feel things I’ve never felt before, and I’m sexually repressed. Hilda lost her virginity last week. She didn’t tell me, but I could tell from the way her face blossomed. Then there’s the way she made eye contact with Simon; like two, passionate love birds. I don’t know how to feel about it. It’s kind of weird. Sometimes I feel like I might die a virgin. I know the chances of that actually happening are very low. But seeing how easy it is for people to just get together and have sex, and then seeing how I’ve never been able to attract even one person sexually makes me feel like an alien.

Right now, I’m finding shelter in my conversations with Ryan. He’s a guy I started chatting with online a few months ago, through an RPG video game chat board. He lives in the United States, in Iowa City with his boyfriend, Tye. He’s a hair stylist and part-time go-go dancer and we seem to have a lot in common. He’s like the outgoing version of me. I’ve shown some interest in moving away to the States, and he said life there is amazing. If I end up moving, I’d want to be around him. I did a lot of research online, and it turns out that the University of Iowa is one of the best colleges in the States. Moving seems impossible right now since there’s a lot of things to consider, but coming up with a plan is necessary since there’s only a few months left until graduation. So far, the only thing I know with all certainty is that I need to be somewhere else. Freiburg is so boring. I keep waiting to be inspired, to be taken away. I’m eager to explore new and unfamiliar territories. I’m looking forward to moving away from my parents and finally living life on my own.

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